Guess what I am? Meeeow 
Monthly Archives: October 2010
31st October 2010
Good Morning everyone,
hope you enjoyed that extra hour in bed, or maybe doing something fun? My hour was definitely enjoyed in bed Have watched some news, some Homes Under the Hammer and had yummy breakfast. Lovely and nice Sunday morning, simply 
The weather is grey and wet outside, really don’t feel like going out but will have to later on. Need to find some cat ears to wear with my Halloween costume. Pictures will probably come up later. Won’t stay long at the party as I need to go to work tomorrow and my friend lives miles away! Why would anyone like to live in “Harrow-on-the-Hill”?? It’s just too far away from everything!
Back from IKEA!
We finally have a coffee table And Rob put it all together 
Got some other bits and bobs, but am too tired to write about it all and put pictures up of everything at the moment. But here is some;
Obviously starting out as a flat pack (You can see the hangers we bought as well)
How to make it
Robbo’s at it
Finished table
With a table-cloth and candles on it, and a Robbo playing computer games behind it!
And while Robbo was doing that, I sorted out the other bits and bobs, like putting pictures in this double frame I bought. Aren’t we pretty?
Migraine…
Came home from Sainsbury’s with the shopping, and I thought I was going to die, litterally… Everything in me felt like it was going to be turned inside-out, I felt so, and still feel, sick. My head is about to explode and nothing helps…. Hopefully we will make it to IKEA….
30th October 2010
Good Morning everyone…
Don’t know about you but I haven’t had a good morning… My neighbour’s alarm went off about 3,5 hours ago and it is still going off. It has gone off once before and it is the same strange “sick bird”-sound like last time. It really does sound like a bird that has gone completely mad from pain… Very strange.
Anyway, today’s activities will involve grocery shopping (how fun!! Or not…) and hopefully getting to IKEA and buying that coffee table we have wanted for quite a while. Will try and find a costume for a haloween party tomorrow as well Not in IKEA though, but will have a look around in different shops
Take care people, and have a lovely halloween!
Can you make it?
So I’ve been out for an hour (and therefore I’ve also got out of bed and out of my night clothes). Some progress then Have had lunch now as well, which is an improvement from yesterday, and will get into the shower in a minute. So far, so good. Let’s see if I can make it through the day…
29th October 2010
Hello everyone.
New day, new chances, new possibilities. I’ve said it many times, probably will say it many times more. I am trying hard to see things in a positive light, but like I said yesterday to Rob, it is as though I don’t have anything to look forward to, nothing to plan, to dream about, to get ideas for. I feel like I live day to day, hand to mouth, and it’s starting to be boring, empty sort of. Maybe it is better not to look forward to things, not to dream about things, not to plan things. Just take things as they come and well, just wait and see. Which is very hard, I am not that type of person…
Anyway, enough about this. Must be so boring and draining for you to read about this all the time. I’ve been depressed before and I have sort of found my own ways of getting out of it (this doesn’t mean that it will work for you, everyone needs to find their own way). First two days after something has happened; take it easy, cry as much as you like, walk around in your nighty or PJ’s all day if you like, write things down, let thoughts come out, talk to people who are close(friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend), if you feel you that you can do that. After those two days, start setting up some small goals for youself. My goals for today are to get out of bed/my nightclothes before noon, and to go out for at least an hour. If I have succeeded? You’ll find out later
Let’s start all over again.
This is hard. It hurts, stings and is generally unpleasant. Yesterday a bit of me died, it was a bit that was very important to me, something that gave me a drive, a challenge, a goal. And now I am in pieces, trying to pick myself up, put myself together again. Yes, it does hurt. I feel like some empty shell and honestly I don’t know how I will function on Monday when I go back to work. What is the point of going to work when it leads me to nothing?
Thoughts keep spinning around in my chaotic brain and I don’t know how to make sense of them, how to make sense of anything. But here I am, willing to start over again, to reconsider things, to draw up a new plan (that probably will be just as destroyed as the previous one, and the one before that, and the one before that one too, the list can be made long), and generally just try to live. How? I don’t know. This really was a major blow to me, something that changed things forever, and I am thinking that I will have to give some things up. What? I don’t know, and for some reason I am scared what it will be. Maybe because all of the things that I have in mind are equally as precious to me, and I wouldn’t like to give any of it up. Perhaps the old saying of that we cannot have it all, is 100% true, but then again, how come some people do have it all?
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will try to live again.
Sometimes I pretend
Sometimes I pretend that within me some sort of artist lives. So I try to draw. At least it takes my mind off things.
It’s a very, very mad world
(Title comes from the lyrics of “Mad world”)
For you who think that I’ve completely given up my hopes and dreams about things, you’re wrong. I have not done that, obviously. I am not that kind of person, I am a passionate person and I do get very angry and sad when things don’t go my way, especially when I have planned on things for a long period of time and then something comes in the way ruins it all. However, I am not a person that gives up on things!
The last 2-3 years I have increasingly felt that things don’t go my way, but I have always been able to put those feelings aside and concentrate on the future. “In the future I will be able to do this, I just have to do x, z, and y first” or “In xx years I will have achieved this and that, it will all be fine then.” But yesterday it all just fell apart, because all of a sudden it felt like it won’t be alright in the future, that doing x, z, and y won’t lead to anything, that in xx years I would still be on the same spot as before, the same spot as I am on now. I know that I have written about it before, the feeling of being trapped in some strange time loop, and certain people have told me that I just have to consider my options, do things step by step and decide that I want to do things and then just do them. You probably won’t believe me, but many times I have done exactly this, and still I am where I am and I haven’t moved a single inch (no not even a centimetre).
So many friends of mine achieve what they want, so many friends have got the career they want, got married, bought houses, got children. I wouldn’t say that I am jealous, I just wonder when will it happen to me? When will I be able to get the career I want, my dream house, my children? When, when, when? And then I think, what’s the point fo chasing it if I will never get it? What’s the point of living when one cannot create the life it wants? Maybe it is the way we want things.
I don’t want to be mean or talk badly about certain people. I am just stating plain facts. My boyfriend of three years has some things that he wants to be done in a certain order. He wouldn’t for instance have children before we get married, he wouldn’t get a mortgage to be able to buy a house, he wouldn’t get married until we both got the jobs we wanted and were finished with out educations, etc. So you see how I sometimes can’t piece things together in order to work out how I will get the things I want (I know I must sound so selfish – I want this and that – but if nothing goes to your own plans, how can you be happy?) as well as the things he wants. And when I found out yesterday that the career I want might not be a possibility, it all just fell apart…. I told him yesterday “We are not good for each other, are we?” and he just looked at me, not willing to understand what I meant. And maybe it was stupid to just fire out a string of words without any explanation, but when two people’s picture of the future don’t match, maybe it is time to move on?
