December, the month that kills me. It is the month that always makes me feel tired and worn down. Every year it is the same, I start out with good intentions and energy and the further the month goes the more it feels like I can’t do anything. I try and try and try. But for me it’s all just about stress, stress and stress. For many years it was stress for exams and grades and getting things done, now it’s the stress for making a good Christmas, and getting everything done at work on time. Even though I try to look forwards to Christmas I don’t, because it has somewhere along the road lost its meaning…
I try not to regret things, because as much as we want to, we cannot go back in time and change things. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t regret, because I think it is very human to look back at things and think “I wish I would have done it like this or that”. Would be very strange if we didn’t as that is a part of our ability to mentally time travel (I can’t believe that I actually learned something from that Cognitive Science unit, mental time travel was a part of it!).
Anyway, back to what I regret. I do regret a lot of things, to and from. Sometimes I regret my move to the UK, during those days when everything goes wrong and I feel lonely and sad I often think, I wish I hadn’t moved, I wish I still was back home in Sweden, in my beloved Gothenburg, with my friends, having a coffee in one of the millions of independent cafés. Gothenburg will always be something that I will miss while I’m here and it’s almost a part of me. People often ask me if Gothenburg is nice, and it feels strange to say that your own city is nice, but I truly think that Gothenburg is beautiful. I mean I don’t want to speak badly about London, but I do miss the cleanliness of Gothenburg! Nowadays I hate that people from/in Gothenburg complain about Gothenburg, because things people complain about are nothing when you compare to the same things in London Like the public transport for instance… People of Gothenburg, you are blessed with the public transport! So, another thing that i regret is how much I used to complain about something that worked perfectly well But well, you don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it, right?
Today I regret that I didn’t buy a Christmas tree for about £15. But I thought that I could save those £15 and buy a Christmas present for someone instead, as we’re not at home for Christmas anyway…
I have to say that my favourite birthday must have been my 21st. It was just one of those great memorable birthdays, when everything (or almost) went to plan.
I got so many cards that it brought me to tears! I have never got so many cards for a birthday!
I got a Mulberry bag from Robbo! Probably the best birthday present ever!
The weather was great, and we went to Hyde Park hired a blue pedaling boat and pedaled around on the serpentine!
It’s hard to rate memories like this. I mean I definitely know the memories I wouldn’t call good memories, or memories that wouldn’t be between my favourite ones. But which one is the favourite, number one, memory? The only one I can think of at the moment was when I moved to London. The day it all went ahead and I waited at the airport for the airplane that was going to take me to my future. I remember sitting in the airplane, thinking that if I died that day I would die happy.
I was 17 when I went to my first house party, and it wasn’t any old house party, it was a New Year’s party. Last day of December 2005. My friend Lisa had invited me, along with some other people, mostly people I knew, but also some I didn’t know. This was during some very strange period of mine, when I was in between some sort of pop-rock and a sophisticated style. I had a ginger crop hairstyle and tried to matched it with a pair of long black trousers and a thin beige jumper. What a New Years party outfit, ey?! Haha, but then again I was only 17 and very confused
The party escalated a tiny bit, or well quite a lot, and it sort of got gate crashed. A lot of heavy metal people turned up and no one knew who they were or how they knew about the party, but they got in, drank their beers and dropped the stereo on the floor. Some other unknown people turned up as well, I remember thinking that they were so crazy, but in hindsight I think they were only drunk. I remember being quite scared and my friend kept freaking out about all these unknown people, but I think she was quite scared as well. In the end we ended up sitting in a corner in her kitchen, me and her, and this other guy. He was called Daniel and was someone who Lisa had found on some sort of internet forum. He was a quiet guy, same age as us, and probably just as scared as me. In the midst of everything we started talking about things, random things and we ended up having a laugh while people around us where shotting tequila, sliding down the stairs, sleeping on the floor and destroying the front room.
Midnight came and went, we laughed and cheered and after that people started to go home. The heavy metal dudes went home, so did the other unknown people, and slowly even the known people went home. The trams had stopped going and I had to stay over. So did Daniel. And we stayed and helped Lisa tidy up after the others. We glued together broken ceramic bowls, fixed the flush button on the toilet, wiped up some sick that had missed the toilet, washed the carpet in the bathroom that had taken all the sick that had missed the toilet. We washed up the glasses that still were whole and then we went upstairs to Lisa’s bedroom. She had a big bedroom and a sofa bed that me and Daniel could use. She asked us if it was ok that we slept together, and at that point no one cared, we were so tired we just wanted to go to sleep. That night we all fell asleep with our clothes on. Lisa in her own bed, and me and Daniel in the sofa bed.
I woke up fairly early the next day and found Daniel already awake next to me. He studied me, looked right into my face, ”you’re so beautiful” he said. I blushed, no male had ever said that to me. And then he put his left index finger on my lower lip, and slowly stroked my lips with it. It was so beautiful in a very new way to me. I was 17 and had never been kissed before, never been touched by a man in any way. He looked into my eyes and suddenly he kissed me, I looked at him and smiled, I had butterflies in my tummy and felt light headed. He kissed me a second time and this time it was proper kiss, a passionate kiss with closed eyes, and he stroked my hair while we kissed. We went home after some breakfast and after that day I never saw him again.
This week has just started but this is how I think it will look;
Today (Monday): I got up at 6am as usual, and waited for a phone call from my agency. I got a phone call, but it was only to make sure that I was ready as they needed confirmation. The post didn’t need to be filled so I had to stay at home. I’ve been trying to catch up on some washing, ironing and general tidying. Have also looked for new jobs but with no luck. Will do some exercise soon.
Tuesday: I will do the same thing, get up at 6am, wait for a phone call from my agency. If I don’t get a phone call tomorrow I will go to a school in Sutton (a part of London) where I have applied for a job and visit them. Then I’ll try and sort some things out.
Wednesday: Definitely working, will get up at 6am again, eat breakfast while I read blogs, get ready and leave at about 7.30am. Then I walk to the tube (which takes me about 15min) and try to get on one of the trains. I arrive at work at 8.15am, check my e-mails, make sure I’ve got all the material I need with me and then go to meet up with the girl I support. At 10.45am we have a midday break until 11.10am, and then I work with the girl, in class, until lunch time, which is about 12.50pm. After lunch it is the same thing until 3.30pm. Do some pilates when I get home.That’s all that’s planned for Wednesday, but I promise that if something will come up I will let you know
Thursday: Pretty much the same as Wednesday, except for the exercise, which will be something more rigorous than Pilates.
Friday: Work again, and yes it will look probably exactly like Wednesday and Thursday will look But in the evening we will have a Christmas dinner with the SEN-departement at work!
Saturday & Sunday: Rob and me will go to Ashford and visit more or less everyone before we go to Sweden for Christmas.
This is my everyday bag, not the nicest thing in the world and it’s falling apart in some corners. But great for work, especially on the tube!
In the big space I have the most important things, blood glucose meter, insulin and obviously my wallet.
In the other little pockets (inside) I’ve got my keys (with a personal alarm) and my passport. Always got it with me, just in case.
And because no one ever has sweeteners I always carry a little box of them with me!
I always got an extra pair of hair clips, just in case a bad hair day comes along…
I feel completely handicapped without my phone so it is with me at all times!
And in yet another little pocket I’ve got some hand cream, some hand gel (kills 99.9% of all bacteria), a red lipstick and a lip balm. Definitely necessities in winter!
Isn’t it hard to pick just one moment to write about, I mean most of the time you write about more than one moment, no? But the moment that springs into mind now is the moment I graduated. The moment I got into my university building, walked to the room where graduates got robed. The moment when the man from Ede & Ravenscroft put my mortar board on my head, and draped the robe around my shoulders. The pride that rose in my chest was so overwhelming that I started to cry. The thought “I made it!” kept coming to mind and I have never been happier, because you know what, I fought for that degree, I gave it my best; blood, sweat and tears. I think this must be the proudest moment in my life.
My beliefs are simple, I am not a religous person as such, even though I think there is something supernatral out there and when I was about four or five I saw an angel (but I will be writing more abut that in a different post). However, just ebcause you’re not religious it does not mean that you can’t believe in things. I have a lot of beliefs, but the main ones are my strong beliefs in children’s and women’s rights. Yes, you’ve got it I’m a feminist of the “worst” (or best if you like) sort. I stand up for women, for better or worse. I think we are worth standing up for and I will fight (in my own ways) for women no matter what. We are just as good as men, and deserve to have the same pay and rights as them. I strongly believe that we are not only some sort of cook/cleaner/birth machine, but we also have goals and want a deeper meaning to our lives than that. No to mention, who said that only women should do those things and men should earn money? No, I really, really do believe in men and women sharing the workload of things. We are equal, no matter what.
As mentioned, I also strongly believe in children’s rights and I hate violence against children. I believe that children should be respected as much as anyone else and just because they are small and have a lesser understanding of things than adults they should not be humiliated or treated differently (in the matter of respect). I hate the fact that we live in the 21st century and children are still allowed to be systematically hit by their own parents, in their own home. It makes sick to the stomach just by hearing about it and I shake with rage just by knowing that children are being humiliated every day and that people think it is alright. Fighting for children physical and mental well-being is something I will do in some way or another for the rest of my life.
So there you have my beliefs.
My best friend really is Rob, he’s my boyfriend, but yes, also my best friend. He’s the one that always listens, always understands, if he’s not around I can call him day or night and he would answer and he would talk to me. He’s the one that dries my tears and hugs me and tells me everything will be alright and he’s the one that I laugh with. And I would do the same for him. He really, really is my best friend.
Other than Rob (if you feel that boyfriends don’t count) my best friend is Hanna. We met when we started our A-levels together and even though we didn’t become friends straight away we developed a really good relationship after a while. We are quite different, but we still get along really well. We can talk about anything and even if she still lives in Sweden, and I live in the UK, and even if we haven’t spoken for a long, long time, when we do meet up or speak it feels like it was yesterday. It’s that feeling that you really connect that makes me feel comfortable with Hanna and that makes me feel that she is my best friend.
My best friend Hanna, first from the left, and some other friends we graduated with.